It was an extremely hard day at work on Monday. Mondays usually are but to make matter worse, my bigman decided it is a day to teach me lessons. I will not delve into what he said but suffice to say that instead of making me more motivated to work (as I am sure that was his intention), he actually making me feel numb that I can hardly think. The numbness from being informed too much about your incompetency in a short period of time (although the lessons lasted in total, more than 3hours in a few sessions.
Those that knew me in real life, especially my ex-colleagues and bosses will be able to tell you that I am one hell of an independent person that enjoy challenges and excel in problem solving. To me, it is not important how I do it, the most important thing is the result. That is the way I work. In the pass, I handle my subordinates the same way. I tell them what is the target and due dates. Then, I will give them a free hand to complete the task unless they ask me for help!
Right now, I really feel like a handicap. I mean, I know I am capable of doing it but my hands are being tied on one side and only allowed partial usage of my full capability. I seriously cannot perform as well as I want to be in this circumstances. To make matter worse, I am an almost perfectionist! Not a total perfectionist because that would make me unbalance and end up in the mental hospital. But I take pride in my work! However, after being bombarded and put down so many times, I seriously am getting so stressed and depressed that I think babe is at the receiving end of my bad mood (SORRY BABE!! MUCKS!)
But I guess there are some consolation in all this because I know that he is not targeting specifically. Actually, to be truthful, I actually admire bigman because he is full of wonderful and creative ideas that I believe others, including myself will not think of in that way. That is what I call really thinking out-of-box which I believe is from his many years of experience in our industry.
I know that whenever he nag, his intention is good. He just wants the best for the company because ultimately, whatever achievement we make for the company, we will benefit too in term of bonuses, increments, trainings and other benefits. HOWEVER, I think I will never be able to comprehend or agree with the way he deliver the message. No matter how hard I try not to take it to heart, as human being, it is really hard to not feel hurt when being criticize as if the world is going to end because of my action (or supposedly non-action).
Hence, that is why I say it is a love/hate situation.I love the challenge this job gives. I enjoy the colleagues and working evironment. I just hope my bigman will be able to understand the way I work and change his method of motivation! One of my colleague suggested that we should voice out what we think. But I seriously don't think bigman can accept criticism even when it is constructive. Even during meetings, sometimes when we try to explain things, he will comment to us not to try to proof him wrong. End up, we just feel better not to say anything and just go ahead to do whatever we do...
I really don't know if I will be able to last very long here with this kind of work condition. But as most people say, this is really not a good time to change job. A company might look rosy now but no one know what can happen with the world economic situation now. And worse come to worst, company will try to keep lean and retrench those last in as usual. So, I just have to bear with it, don't take things personally and use my blog as the sounding board! So, watch out people! You will be reading more posting complaining about bigman!!! :P HAHAHAHA!!!