Reason For Living

My heart is telling me to write about how I am feeling now but my mind does not know how to go on. My heart felt so heavy and as if a tight rubber band is being wrapped around it and pulling tighter and tighter. Somehow, feel like letting myself cry senseless and let the tears flow freely down my face instead of controlling the emotion. Hoping that the tears will give me a sense of relief. Feeling sad and sympathetic that senseless deaths occurred for no reason other than it is act of God.

All this because of me trying to make sense of the news of a parent of someone I know passing away after struggling for a few days after being knocked down by unlicensed motorist while jogging seems most unlikely. Seems like only something that you hear about in big metropolitan city but it happened in a small town of Sarikei, Sarawak. The nearness of the place is too close for comfort. Death is always a shocking thing even if it not someone you care or love. Somehow, it is hard not to relate when it is someone of a someone that you know, no matter how little one know the person.

Somehow it reminds you how vulnerable the life of those that you love. How easily shattered the harmony and peacefulness of daily activities. From the moment we came into the world, we came in crying. Perhaps because we know the adversity that we will face. When we leave the world, then we hope that the world will cry for us because we have helped make someone else life better.

It is selfish I know but I am thanking God that my dad do not like to go jogging or even for walks. Perhaps this will not reduce the possibility of being hit by a car or strike by lightning but all the same, I can hope. I hope when the time comes for the one that I love, I am prepared and am strong for those around me that need me. I hope that I will be able to make the necessary decision as times such as this.

Then, another death, another lost. This time to a very young wife. The sadness and passion felt for the widow is unimaginable. Somehow, the image of her facing the fact that her dearest one has decided to take his own life, leaving her behind is simply unimaginable. Imagining unfallen tears at the corner of her eyes as she tries to be brave. Imagining the pain in her heart at thinking what had happened? How did it happened? Why did God let it happen? Feeling her confusion as she seek all around her for an answer.

Sigh, despite the short and passing acquaintance with the widow, the memory of her while we were working in the same company cannot be erased. It is hard to contemplate how life and living can become so bad that a person resort to taking his own life. I guess there is no way to understanding this. Again, I am being selfish and starts to think about my babe. My sweet babe all alone across the South China Sea. Again, thanking God for giving me this wonderful chance to experience stable and security that babe gives me.

I ask God to give us all the strengths and wisdom to move on with our lives and appreciate those around us, elders, parents, brothers & sisters, uncles & aunties, husbands, childrens, friends and acquaintances.