Friday, April 24, 2009

Obssessed and Desperation!

Hi Folks! I am back. Yar, I know, one week of no updates in my blog seems unusual? I admitted it but it has been a super long week so far especially with the weekend being a working weekend. And on top of that, was having 'crisis' at work. I can actually feel that I am at the point where I will do a career choice switch again but I am just working and holding on to whatever sanity that I might still have. So, I agree with my colleague when he say that he thinks I am at the point of no return.

After a year of keeping silence and being badgered, even if big abg is willing to change, I dont know if I can erase (like a computer, delete) everything and rejuvenate myself. Create my self-esteem and confidence level again. All this I know I can do. But the thing is, I think it is very true that it is hard for someone to change their habit no matter eventhough the person have every intention in the world to change it. I am not saying that it is impossible and actually, with practise and over time, if the person is serious enough, it can happen.

But the thing is, I am so emotionally drained and tired. Eventhough I try very hard to convince myself everyday that I love my work, I enjoy doing what I do and I am good at what I do (which I know I am), at the back of my mind, I am giving a big 'sigh' for every task. obstacles and roadblocks. I no longer consider this as challenges to overcame. Rather, it has become bothersome and irritation like a thorn at the side. The sinking feeling and heavy heart just refuse to go away.

All that I can do now is visualise and work hard to make the thoughts come true. I guess what I need now is a change. A big big change. Might even decide to switch totally from what I am doing now to something totally different. I am not sure what but I am sending out applications to almost everything that I think is suited to my experience and qualification. Hopefully, this will bear fruit in less than a month. Then, I can decide where to go on from there.

Sorry folks, giving such a grime depressing picture to you all but the fact is, I think I am going into depression because of him. So, either I breakdown totally or I run as far as I can before it starts to effect my personal life (which it has already somehow did in some ways). So stressed out on Monday after a 'talk' from him that I actually cried when I talked to my babe when we got home. I cried again in his arm at night when we go to bed.

He has been very understanding and all but he is pushing me to lay it all in the open. Tell the management what I said above. I was only brave enough to say half so far, that I am very demotivated and lost self-confidence because of him. I should have also said the other half, where I think I am at the point of no return and need a career change. Perhaps she might have something in place for me (a transfer perhaps)? But for now, it would be too late for that. I think perhaps that would be phase 2 (if there is a one).

I am basically just waiting for calls for interview to jobs that I applied actively in the past 1-2weeks. I really hope something good will happen and materialised out of all the positive thinking and visualization. Seriously and honestly and passionately need this!


Rose said...

Poor Jen, you must be depressed and feel like no way out. dont worry, be positive. some good job will turn out..... :) have a great weekend, my friend

JenJen's Place said...

Hi Rose,
I dun reli feel that bad anymore actually. Just waiting for something GOOD that I know will eventually happen...